Why! Why! Why!

7:01 AM

I have to be honest and say I thought about not writing this, but in the end, I knew I had to get my feelings out.

I have been going non stop these past few weeks as most of you know with the new Grand baby, two boys graduating, and so much more. This past Monday I went in for a 6 month follow up CT scan on my Lungs. I really did not think much about it and went about my day , I think I can now safely say that will be a day that is now etched in my mind. Although we are still waiting for a biopsy, I was told yesterday that it was basically just a conformation of what they already know. I have 5 tumors on my lungs, 4 of which were not there 6 months ago , all are 6mm or smaller, but it's both lungs and not just the left one as before. They had originally thought this was scar tissue from smoking and pneumonia, but are now convinced I have Metastatic Disease which is a fast spreading cancer that starts in another part of the body.


I'm mad, I'm hurting, I'm sad and my mind will not shut off. I so hope a biopsy proves them wrong, but I guess in my heart I know what is coming. I'm only 37 years old. I can't tell my kids for fear my Son will want to postpone going to the Army, I can't stop the tears from randomly falling and I wonder what and how am I going to do this. My daughter is special needs and needs her Mom, My youngest Step-Daughter is only 10 and needs me in her life.  All my kids need me here and I want to see my kids graduate, get married, have babies. I want to see Baby Asher become a Man. I'm scared.

How will we afford this, who will cook dinner at night if I can't? Who will do this and that...so many questions with so few answers and 2 weeks seems like a lifetime to wait just for an answer.

I want to grow old and sit on my porch in the rocking chair Chris got me for my Birthday. Something we have said for years, when we get old we want matching rocking chairs so we can sit on the porch and enjoy life.

I keep thinking too of all the little things that are really insignificant. Will I still be able to go out and get my Sunday papers and clip my coupons? Silly, I know, but now I need to save money and stockpile more than ever. I  have also worried about losing my hair, and Chris says I can then get a wig in every color and have any hair color I want. I love to mow my yard, how will I feel if I can no longer do that and who will do it if Chris doesn't have time?

We have no family close by, it's just us. When the doctors told us this yesterday, I think I was numb. I haven't slept at all, I'm exhausted today and have to attend the Senior Picnic and awards then drive 4 hours. I'm not sure I could sleep even if I wanted too, what if I miss a moment , why waste time sleeping.


I keep asking myself questions, I keep playing this all out in my head, and I'm scared, so scared and feel so alone.

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