Why.....why give me more

9:34 AM

You know, sometimes, I find that I feel so much better when I just simply write , regardless if anyone reads it or not. 

I'm mad, I'm hurting and I'm scared. We found out on Thursday that I have a Brain Tumor. At this point, we have no idea if it is malignant or benign, why it's there or what caused it. All we know is that it's serious thing and that I will be undergoing a lot of testing. 

I'm mad because well, I'm just mad. I'm scared because I am not ready to die . I'm upset because my kids and family need me and they depend on me.

I keep asking why would God put all this on my shoulders, why keep hitting me with more stuff. Why...that is the only question I keep asking myself over and over. 

I want to cry all the time but instead I put a smile on my face and act like I'm okay, then when I get a minute alone, I find myself crying. I know I'm not alone, but I feel alone, I feel like Chris does not want to talk about it to me nor will he talk about making arrangements for things if I am no longer here. I wish he would talk to me about it, instead it feels like we are farther apart than ever.

I finally told my Mom today, I know it hurts her too, she cried, I cried, but once again, no one wants to talk about what happens if the worst happens. I need to talk, I need to cry, I need to vent, but I can't...I guess I need a friend who will listen, who will say I will help with that, someone who will understand that I need to talk about what happens if I die.

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