The Positivity of Life

9:06 AM


I spend days writing reviews and doing giveaways, but my favorite part of writing is when I can just let the words flow about whatever I want too.

Six  Months ago I started on a journey that I was not expecting. Life, before the dreaded "tumor" was good. I had a new Grand baby whom I adore, my son had just left for Basic Training to serve our country and, while I was scared, I was such a proud Mom, and still am.





So, now the real story begins. As I said, my son had left for Boot Camp and all the kids , Chris and myself were having a tough time with his absence, when I first went to the Neurosurgeon he said I needed surgery right away and wanted to schedule it in 3 days, I refused, because I had promised my other  children a trip to the indoor water park for the weekend. when I make a promise to my children, I will do whatever I can to keep that promise, however, since that day, I have made a point never to make a promise other than to love them and be there for them for as long as I live. I was not allowed to go on slides or rides or do much of anything, and the things I could do such as the lazy river, I didn't do, simply because what if my son finally got to call  home for the first time, so I had a water proof pouch around my neck with my phone inside and the most I did was sit on the sidelines with my feet dangling afraid I would miss his call...I didn't ,but it also gave me a few days with my kids without having to tell them Mom was sick.

How do you explain to 6 kids with four of them  being under 18, that in a few days Mom was undergoing surgery which could possibly leave me brain dead, or just a totally different person, someone who may have to learn again like a child. It wasn't easy, let me tell you that,. After we talked to them, it was time to prepare. My kids went to their Dad's, our youngest Daughter went to my friend's house and our youngest son stayed here with our friend Jeff. Over the year's My Mom and I had lost our closeness, but she came as soon as she knew and took leave from her job to be here. The last thing I remember before surgery was seeing My Mom and Chris by my bedside with tears in their eyes trying to be strong.

Now, here comes a part of my story that still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. My Chris has never been one to pray, it isn't that he doesn't believe in God, but that somewhere a long the way, he had given up on God. He told me that when I went in to surgery and the days leading up to it, he prayed to God so many times, and when after several hours the Dr's came out and told my Mom and Chris that things went well and I was okay, he went to the hallway and cried and thanked God for listening to him. I can't say he prays everyday but I can say, he believes in the power of prayer now.

It's now time for a part of this story you may find unbelievable and very interesting. I kept calling the Doctor's office when they never called me to find out the pathology results...yet they kept saying they were not back yet, finally after 2 weeks they ask me to come in, and of course I was terrified. However, when I got there, they proceeded to tell me that the Hospital had lost my tumor, the 3 inches of bone they removed and the Brain mass...so  it never made it to pathology. So even now, we will never know what kind of tumor it was, what grade, or what could have caused it.

Now, we kept all of this from my son while he was in basic Training, he called two days after  I had surgery and I spoke with him, briefly but handed the phone to my Mom and Chris because I was afraid I would break down. Until the day we traveled to Fort benning to see him graduate, he never knew what I had been through because we wanted him focused on him and not on worrying about me, because, even though he was my oldest, he was a Momma's boy through and through and would have wanted to come straight home. The love a mother has for her children knows no bounds and you do whatever you have to even when all you want to do is hold them close, but, you do it out of love and the desire to let them follow the dream and path they have chosen.

So much has happened since that time period. My Son graduated Infantry School and is now stationed in DC, My Mom and I have become close like we used to and she visits for a few days every other month or so, and I have found that I have true friends who are always willing to help, yet who  have all found how stubborn I am and how I try to do everything myself. I have also found that my readers here, on my blog, have become some of my biggest cheerleaders and greatest friends.

Now, my story doesn't end here, I have more tumors, a large one being on my T5 spinal cord, that cannot safely be removed right now nor safely biopsy. So yes, I'm scared again, but I wake up each day and I write here on my blog, I clean house, I do everything I did before, but I'm sick, I know I'm sick, and I take naps a lot, but I refuse to give up and I continue to search for a Doctor who can find out what is wrong with me. Today, as I write this, I have a total of 21 masses on my lungs and 3 small and one large tumor on my spine.

My kids and my family know I am sick, but I don't look sick and I sure try not to act sick. I have such a great support system now, I never knew people cared like that. I could have given up and there have been days when that's all I wanted to do, days it hurt so bad just to get up out of bed, days when no one is around that I spend my day just crying and praying to God to help me get through this, and many other days trying to be the happy, positive Mom my kids need and deserve.

What does the future hold for me? I guess that is something I won't know until I get there, everyday is a new day. I am thankful that I wake up, that I can do the things I can, even if it's not as much as I used to be able to do, and that everyday is another day with my Family and my Kids.

I am thankful that, for all I am going through, I am getting married to the most wonderful man who has been by my side for 11 years and we have set the date for April TH, 2014.

One of the reasons I wanted to share this story is because I want to show you that those little things in life that might annoy you from time to time that your kids do, they really don't matter that much ,or you may can get aggravated because someone took a parking spot you were waiting for, but does that really matter in the grand scheme of life?

Never take a day in your life for granted, never lose hope and never, ever give up. If you need to cry, then have a good cry, if you need a vacation, yet can't afford one, take  a day to yourself, even if you do nothing but sit in the park all day and read a book. Let bygones be bygones, learn to live, learn to love, learn to forgive and forget because you never know what tomorrow might bring you.

I plan to fight a good fight, no matter what the fight may be for, I plan to start living each day to the fullest and making sure everyday to let my kids know how much I love them, Those dirty towels they leave on the floor? Make them pick them up, teach your kids responsibility, it really will be good for them and for you. My kids do chores everyday, they may not like it, and my house may not be the cleanest house when they are done, but I am teaching them something while showing them I love them at the same time.

Never be afraid to teach your kids right from wrong, never be afraid to discipline them, because n the end you are hindering them from learning their way through life. Never make a promise that you may not be able to keep, I am teaching my kids now that Promises are strong and that when you make a promise, you need to keep it, therefore it's much easier to say I will do my best, or if I can we will, never say I promise to be at your ply or I promise to buy you this toy....because what happens tomorrow may keep you from keeping that promise, and that means you are teaching your kids it's okay to break a promise.

I have grown as a person since my story began, I have made friends whom I will cherish for my lifetime, and I am gaining the attitude that positivity is the best cure for what ails you.

We all wonder "What If" many times throughout our lives, but we can honestly never know what comes next for us. Life is a journey in which we all experience, it's how we chose to experience it and the path we chose for ourselves which dictates our own happiness. I may or may not ever be healthy again, but no matter what, I will keep on smiling, keep loving my family and enjoy every second of the day. That doesn't mean I won't get aggravated or yell at my kids, it doesn't mean that I will go explore the world, it means that I have chosen to make myself a positive person despite what happens and enjoy the new found relationship with my Mother, continue to support my children in the dreams they have for themselves and I will cry if I want too. Being sick doesn't mean your life has ended, it could mean that it has just begun and that every step you take could be a life changing step for you. Don't let life pass you by with bitterness and blame.

Not everyone who reads this will understand it, or take something good away from it, but for myself, just writing this is my personal testimony that life goes on, maybe not forever, but each day you wake up is a day you should do wonderful things with!



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