Where Did I go and how do I get back?

9:40 PM

What happened to me? Where did I go...I keep searching for the person who just a little over a year ago was outside mowing the lawn, planting flowers, enjoying those neighborly chats & loved being outside.

I can't seem to find myself....it's like that one day when my whole life changed with that one sentence " You have a Brain Tumor". 

Last week with the tragic death of Robin Williams, it really made me think about where I am in life and how I need to pull myself up and out of this somehow, some way. Depression is serious, many people often think you can just "get over it" but it's not as easy as that, especially when thing after thing keeps showing up, keeps crawling in to your space and invading your every moment , when you are having a great day and then one little thing can be said or done to you that just sets you off and you get angry at the world, or burst in to tears or simply just sit there and do nothing.

More often than not lately, I find that what I really want most other than to write, is to just have a few hours to myself. When I was away at BlogHer, I found that returning to my room each night, with no roommates, no Chris, no kids, just an exhausted me, sitting inside a hotel room being able to watch what I wanted or simply read a book or just turn the TV off and enjoy total quietness revived me. I got up each morning of BlogHer still exhausted, still sick, but feeling like I can do this  I am revived because I did not have to listen to kids fighting, shows I had no interest in watching, no dirty dishes, messy floors or piled up laundry staring at me. It felt great that for those couple of hours each day, I had time to just relax...Does that make me a Bad mom, a horrible wife? I had to think about this, and decided that it didn't. I also did not feel like I had to get on here and blog about my every second before I forgot what I wanted to say, because I made notes, I had a head full of so many great things to write about and still do. I did not feel the need to scroll through my Facebook feed every five minutes or even at all some days, and I even went an entire da without even opening my email. 

So now, three weeks later, back home I still love the chaos of my home life, the ring of our business phone, the TV shows I could care less about, the kids arguing, playing Video games, the dirty dishes and laundry that never seems to go away. I found that although these things stress me out sometimes, I would miss them if they were not around, well, maybe not the laundry, that is one thing I could do without. Still....there comes a time each day that I would like nothing better than to have the house all to myself ( yes my kids are back in school but what I used to think was a chance for me to relax, has not made it back to my routine yet) You see, when I got sick last year, we made changes in the business, Chris no longer goes out every day and builds buildings, instead he stays home and does the shop work and helps with the phones, or does the running around that comes with owning a construction type of business for supplies, etc. . He made those changes to help me, and he has and he does, but I still want to say ..can you please just go away for a few hours? Pretty mean huh? Nah, not really, I think I have come to believe in my own little world, I need that hour or spo each day for me, to nap or read or watch Judge Alex or Ellen without feeling guilty that the laundry is not finished or the cobwebs need taken care of .

All of this seems pretty selfish of me, if you really think about it. Not many moms or wives get that chance. We don't have date night, we don't go out to eat even with the kids except on rare occasions because Chris sees going out to eat a waste of time & money when I can cook a  meal at home for everyone for a fraction of the cost and I agree plus it is healthier, especially with such a large family. when we do eat take out, it's usually always Pizza, and usually Papa  Murphy's because I can just grab a few at a time and freeze them and Chris can heat them up if I am having a really rough day and don't feel good or have had day long appointments or spent hours driving. Needless to say, I don't think I am the only one tired of Pizza.

Backtrack to the beginning of my post.

I do suffer from depression. This is all new to me, not something I ever dealt with before my Brain Surgery and continued illness. I thought I was personally doing well at hiding it, but all along, Chris, my neighbors, they all knew. 

I have researched Brain tumors & Surgery and links from that to depression and it is common, many never get past that. I can admit it now, so that means I can move forward and try to figure this out. I have been without y anxiety medication now since Friday and I can tell a difference, I can see that I get agitated at the smallest things, I cringe when the kids argue, I get mad when I see the pile of laundry that keeps growing.  However, it's time, time for me to do this on my own and get past this stage and move forward and fight back again against this illness that plagues me, not just the depression but the other lung masses, the masses on my spine, the many other things I have been diagnosed with these past few months. I am a fighter and sitting back and letting this consume me is not who I am, nor who I want to be.

Will I ever get past the Brain tumor & surgery and be who I was before? I seriously doubt it, that is not something you can ever forget, especially with how it all played out. I don't think  I will ever have a day that just for a millisecond, I get that tightness in my chest when my head starts hurting & the fear sets in, even if only for a few seconds, it's there, every single day.

Most people don't see that most days, it hurts so bad to get up out of bed that tears are streaming down my face just getting dressed. I get up half an hour before time to start waking the kids just because they don't need to see me like this. Those days of loving to shop until I drop? After an hour or so I am physically & mentally exhausted, so school shopping was split u in to numerous trips this year. 

Most people don't see that the numerous things that I have been dealing with cause me to simply sit at my computer and cry most everyday from pain and the best part is, nobody probably ever will. Chris see's it all, and it breaks him down inside, so I do my very best to hold it all in now. It's time for me, no matter how much pain I am in, to get up and get moving, to fight back like I started fighting back a year ago.

It's time to find me again and let the rest work itself out. Time to change what I eat, how I eat and when I eat, time to make sure that I am doing what makes me healthier and keeps my kids healthy. Time to smile at the smallest things again and laugh when no one else thinks it's funny.

As I write this, it all seems so simple, like hey tomorrow, I am going to get up and this is what I am going to get done, and I will get up and make a to-do list and I will have good intentions, but what I will do differently than the few times I tried before, is that I won't beat myself up if my 100 item to-do list does not get finished that day, and if I decide I want to take a nap and skip writing a blog post or doing a twitter party or folding that load of laundry, I am going to do it, will I do it without guilt? Doubtful, as that is just normal for any Mother or wife to feel guilty when something isn't done.

What I will do, is walk to the mail box myself, take the time to sit outside and enjoy the sunlight for a few minutes with a cup of coffee or Ice water, say Hello to my amazing neighbors , and start on my journey of regaining back myself in the best ways I can. 

Do you suffer from an illness or long term depression? Do you know anyone who has dealt with a Brain Tumor and felt the same?

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