Strugggles..Depression..Anxiety..What Happened to me?3:13 PM
What Happened to me?
I seem to be asking myself that question over and over a lot lately. Today, when I ask myself that same question, I also wondered, am I strong enough to share this? Will anyone understand?
A little over a year ago, right after my Brain surgery, I seemed to be doing great emotionally and even physically . I clearly remember just 13 months ago walking down the streets of NYC, exploring, having a great time and even that special moment on our last evening there when Chris proposed to me on top of the Empire State Building. A little over a month later, a family vacation right after Christmas to visit my oldest who was stationed n D.C., once again I seemed to be doing great. I got compliments and frequent disbelief that I was doing all I was and so well shortly after brain surgery.
So , what happened to me? What went wrong? I wish I knew or could pinpoint one certain thing or even one moment in time before these past few months that I realized I just wasn't myself anymore.
I love being outside, but over the past Summer, I found myself inside more than outside. We went on a cruise with our family but I found myself spending more time in the room than out on the ship. I loved to be outside mowing and working in my yard, but not one flower did you see bloom in my yard or on my porch this past year and more often than not the yard would go two weeks before I would actually go out to mow.
I loved shopping, going places, and just had a sense of adventure. It was a few months before I realized the only times I had even bothered to leave my house was when I had to grocery shop, Dr. Appointments or take the kids to and from school or attend a function for the kids. I never ask for date night anymore, I never went shopping or browsing anymore, I preferred to be home with a book after my daily chores were finished.
I stopped eventually doing things I loved more, I stopped writing on the blog so often, I no longer entered contest or sweepstakes or even played an online game. I never even turned on my computer after dinner anymore, but I did make sure to still continue our weekly family game nights & do things around the house with the kids, but nothing else seemed to excite me anymore.
Friends stopped texting and calling, a few loyal ones made sure to keep pushing, keep calling and pretty much make me talk to them and I would get upset, I didn't want to be bothered with having to be nice to anyone or go places or even chit chat anymore. It wasn't just friends, it was family as well. Except for Chris & The kids and my Mom, I petty much had isolated everyone in my life.
I watched the scale at the Dr.'s office climb each month, sometimes I would just shrug it off and go home and eat more. Other times I would sink in to an even worse hole and refuse for days to eat anything more than a salad, then I would go right back to my habits of eating whatever I wanted, never exercising and really being pretty much stagnant.
Then that day came...that day when the scale tipped over 200 pounds. The day that I realized I hardly ever bothered with make-up or fixing my hair, when I went weeks without a haircut. That day when I realized I didn't like me anymore. I didn't not just like myself because I had let myself get overweight, I plain did not like who I was.
I have tried to think back on how this started or even try to pinpoint when it started, but I really just can't. Was it the days I would wake up in so much pain that it hurt to move and that I was so tired of everyone asking how I was doing and having to smile and say " I'm great, how are you?" The days I would hide my pain from everyone as much as I could, including Chris and my kids?
So ,what do I do from here? That was finally what I ask myself instead of "What happened to me? " The answer I have is I really don't know but over the past couple of weeks, I am now trying this in baby steps. The first step was trying to get back on a healthier eating regiment. I won't let myself call it a diet or even make drastic changes at first, because I think if I did I would be setting myself up to fail. The second step was talking to my Dr. about everything and about where I am in my life. The third step is this..writing all this and down and making myself accountable to everyone.
Depression, Anxiety, pain and Medical issues...I think it's all more common than we think and I think many people, like myself, really don't want the outside world to know what we are feeling. I think I have felt that my family was getting tired of me always being in pain and maybe I felt like I just couldn't talk to them anymore about how I was feeling. I'm not sure I ever faced the entire emotional issue of my brain surgery and subsequent medical issues I have had afterwards.
I don't want to go back to those days, even to the days just a couple weeks ago. I want to move forward but somehow, I'm sure not sure. I am thankful that several of my friends stuck by me and continue to do so and I hope that I can show them how much that has actually meant to me.
I want to get back to my passion which is writing, so I am taking the first step.
Have you ever dealt with depression or Medical issues and ended up where I am? Did you make your way back? What has helped you?
I plan and hope to keep writing as I struggle through this journey. A journey I think so many may have taken but like me have been to ashamed to admit.