It's not my Party..but I'll cry if I want too5:45 PM
It was a day like any other, the only difference was had been having major headaches, the doctors said it was an enlarged artery in my head, put me on steroids..two weeks later still there and was painful to even touch my hair, still said the same, one person felt differently..she was the best NP a person could have. she sent me for a STAT MRI , not thinking a thing, I went home, the next morning sitting at my vanity putting on makeup at 8 am, a call came in..could I come in right away to see Jamie and bring Chris..somehow I just knew, I had not really thought about it, but knew. I refused to bring Chris and told him no big deal they said, go on to work..thankfully he didn't , and chose to stay home that day, because when I got home the only words I could mutter were " I have a Brain Tumor"..I had no idea what it meant for me, but two days later the Neuro told me , have surgery ASAP or die. Even with Surgery no guarantee that I would ever be the same again, the tumor was larger than anyone could have expected and had not been there even a year prior. They wanted to operate 3 days alter, I refused because i had promised the kids a weekend trip to the water Park and I was waiting on my firs call home from my baby boy who was in Boot Camp and if I never remembered another thing, I wanted them to remember me in the way that I had always been.
The Troops rallied. We held the news from Dustin, we wanted him to not worry while in Boot camp but his Sgt's knew and had everything ready in case the worst happened and he had to come home. My Mom took FMLA so she could be here to help take care of me and the kids ( We still had 4 at home that needed us , the youngest was 10 ) , the guys rallied and figured out a schedule so Chris could be home with me and they would do the work . Miracle of all miracles not only was the surgery smooth, I was doing so well they mixed up my chart and sent me home the very next morning after surgery instead of he guy who had been in there 6 days after surgery lol. I have days that I can not remember things, days when I wish things were like they were. My Spine has been poked and prodded due to numerous tumors/masses ( hemangiomas most likely) popping up..so I can no longer do many of the things I used to enjoy. I am however, alive and here to live another day. I was blessed to go to Washington in may and tell my story to Congress as a Rep for Tennessee to lobby for Brain tumor funding and research , hoping I get the opportunity to do it again this year. One person rally can make a difference. So when I start hitting people up for donations for my trip to DC lol..haha..last year I received a full scholarship to go to DC and lobby and tell my story, this year even though I can apply again, I would like to find a way to raise the funds myself instead and let someone else worthy receive that Scholarship.
Since that day my health has been spotty and life sure has thrown me some curve balls, none of which can compare to the anguish I am going through everyday since Mom was diagnosed last week officially with Stage 3 Lung Cancer. It has devastated me, and her obviously. I wonder each night, surely God thinks I have enough on my plate now, it's full enough, I really can't handle much more. I listen to the Dr.'s words, I pray, and I am determined to be there very step of the way. Lung Cancer is scary..and I am scared. terrified even, and I wish I could relate to how my mom feels, I know I can on some levels, but do we ever really know what the other person truly feels even if we have been in the same boat? No..we don't.
Do you ever think, like me, "Why?" when does it end, how much more can I really take..then you hear people say, well God never gives you more than you can handle and you really just want to give them the Evil Eye and say, you think so? Try being in my shoes. You get frustrated, you cry, you vent, you whine, but does any of that change anything? Not really, but crying sure does make you feel better sometimes. Sometimes you feel alone in the world, literally, and feel like you can't tell anyone how you feel or how bad you hurt..you worry that they will think you "whine " too much.
But..you know what..it's true..no matter how much we think we can hold and how full we think we are, we are all strong enough to get through it. Don't push your friends away, true friends will stand by your side. I realized that when I found out about my Brain Tumor, some friends really were not friends and maybe they felt it was contagious or just I was no longer any use to them because those are the ones that slowly stopped coming around or calling. That's okay, that only went to show me that they were never really a true friend anyway.
Day after day I sit at home, never wanting to go out, and as much as i used to love to shop, now I cannot stand to go to a store at all. That all started when a simple trip to Walmart left me standing in the parking lot crying because I forgot where I parked and what my car looked like. It was only for a few minutes, and a super sweet lady helped me, spoke to Chris on the Phone, and kept me calm until we found my car and until I was fully returned enough to actually be okay to drive home. Does that still happen? Sure it does, but deep breaths and a good laugh are what comes from it now. brain Surgery didn't take away who I am, it may have taken away some things I loved dearly to do, but I am thankful that I am alive today.
My home relationship has suffered and I think sometimes that Chris must be a Saint to really put up with everything day after day. I get angry easily, not because of any big thing, but the small things set me off at times. Never like violent but frustration angry. If I can't remember what we did for Vacation last year, I let it go and know eventually I will remember.
I pushed friends away, I pushed family away. I am surprised so many stuck around as long as they have. I am thankful for those that have. I know I will never be the same, but i can also learn ways to love who I have become now.
I think God knew life had more in store for me. I got to watch my two youngest biological children graduate High School last year. I am here everyday for my 19 year old Disabled daughter that will always need me and eventually will rely on her bothers to take care of her, but for now, I am thankful I am here to be that person.
I am also here to take care of and be a Cheerleader for my Mother. Cancer sucks. Plain and simple. I will not complain about the 4 hour drives to take her to Dr. Appointments, I will try to be more understanding when she gets upset because she needs to stay with me for 6 weeks but she wants to be at home. No one wants to leave their comfort zone in times like this, but the 6 weeks of Radiation cannot be done alone or even Part-Time, so she needs to be here with us, so we can take care of her, drive her, and let her lean on us like she let us lean on her when I was sick.
I know it's been a lot on my plate..sometimes I think god must think i ordered a Super-Sized Meal with an extra order of fries. Then again, my Mom only has my children and I, other than some older family members and friends, so I guess he knew what he was doing if he already knew what was in store for her, so he made it possible for me to still be here for her to lean on.
Am I pissed off? Sure I am. How the hell am I suppose to keep being strong? I am not God, I am not SuperWoman, I am not even Super Mom , ( okay, with 7 kids, I sometimes want to think I am ). So why the hell is my life a revolving door of pain? How the heck can I even possibly be feeling sorry for myself when it's my Mom who has cancer now, not me. What gives me the right to cry? What gives me the right to be upset and have a pity party when I have to cancel an appointment because my Mom has one..does it even matter? No..what matters is that I am here, I can get up every day to bitch and whine and moan if i want. I can feel sorry for myself if I want too, as long as I do it behind closed doors, because once i walk out of that door each morning, I am the one who has to be strong now, the one who has to smile brightly..and you know what..maybe this is just what I need. It's not my party any longer, but I can still cry if I want too, just a little more discreetly..because somethings are much bigger than us..some problems far outweigh even our biggest problems..
Be proud that you are the one who can be the one that they lean on. I am proud to be the one my Mom can count on during this time. I am happy to help her through like she helped me through. I also know it's okay to cry if I want too..
The pictures above are of Myself, My Mom and My oldest daughter Meagan who is special needs and the top photo is all of us plus my youngest adopted daughter Cassie.